Lyrics to the national anthem (The full seven-course-meal of violent, angry, yet beautifully existentialist discourse is France itself can you can find it here La_Marseillaise):
Allons enfants de la Patrie, | Come, children of the Fatherland (Homeland), |
Le jour de gloire est arrivé ! | The day of glory has arrived! |
Contre nous de la tyrannie, | Against us, Tyranny's |
L'étendard sanglant est levé, (bis) | Bloody banner is raised, (repeat) |
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes | Do you hear in the countryside |
Mugir ces féroces soldats ? | Those ferocious soldiers roaring? |
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras | They come up to your arms |
Égorger vos fils, vos compagnes ! | To slit the throats of your sons and wives! |
Aux armes, citoyens, | To arms, citizens, |
Formez vos bataillons, | |
Marchons, marchons ! | Let's march, let's march! |
Qu'un sang impur | May an impure blood |
Abreuve nos sillons ! | Water our furrows! |
Que veut cette horde d'esclaves, | What does this horde of slaves, |
De traîtres, de rois conjurés ? | Of traitors and conjured kings want? |
Pour qui ces ignobles entraves, | For whom are these ignoble trammels, |
Ces fers dès longtemps préparés ? (bis) | These long-prepared irons? (repeat) |
Français, pour nous, ah ! quel outrage | Frenchmen, for us, ah! What outrage |
Quels transports il doit exciter ! | What fury it must arouse! |
C'est nous qu'on ose méditer | It is we whom they dare plan |
De rendre à l'antique esclavage ! | To return to ancient slavery! |
Aux armes, citoyens... | To arms, citizens... |
Quoi ! des cohortes étrangères | |
Feraient la loi dans nos foyers ! | Would make law in our homes! |
Quoi ! ces phalanges mercenaires | |
Terrasseraient nos fiers guerriers ! (bis) | Would strike down our proud warriors! (repeat) |
Grand Dieu ! par des mains enchaînées | Great God ! By chained hands |
Nos fronts sous le joug se ploieraient | Our heads would bow under the yoke |
De vils despotes deviendraient | Vile despots would become |
Les maîtres de nos destinées ! | The masters of our destinies! |
And so on and so forth.... |
Tous ensemble vers un nouveau rêve bleu
(All together for a new dream in blue)
National Food Culture:
Very complex and ingredient based but everything basically boils down to duck and/or succulent duckfat slow cooked in pig fat slow cooked in porc fat slow cooked in goose fat and then slow cooked in lamb fat with beans and sausages accompanied by sumptuous rotten grape. Even if France loses this World Cup I promises the recipes I will publish will compensate.
It sounds awful, but in terms off cooking France reunites the tastebuds of the world to one song like few other countries. Albeit, there is a definite lack of spice and capiscum according to Obi Wan Asterix which could see the French team struggling in the South African heat.
Positive Nicknames:
Les Bleus (The Blues)
Negative Nicknames:
Frogies
Most Famous Clubs:
Marseille, Sainte-Etienne, Paris SG, Olympique Lyon, Bordeaux, Nantes, Lille, Lens, Auxerre, Rennes, Racing Strasbourg, Arsenal (one’s a joke)
Famous Players of the Past:
Zinedine Yazid „Zizou” Zidane, Michele „UEFA Big Boss” Platini, Raymond Kopa, Jean Tigana, Laurent Blanc, Marcel Desailly, Didier Deschamps, Marius Tresor, HenryiMichel, Lilian Thuram, Fabien Barthez, Just Fontaine, Jean Pierre Papin, Alain Giresse to name a few.
Achievements:
1998 World Cup Champions
2006 World Cup 2nd Place
1986, 1958 World Cup Third Place
1982 World Cup Fouth Place
2000, 1984 European Champions
Current Coach:
Raymond „Madomenech” Domenech – Tactically uninspiring, he focuses his work on checking player horoscopes (as prior to the last world cup) and letting the Tarot cards make his squad selection.
He likes his 4-4-2 and he likes to choose the second-best players that France has to offer for his team.
He has alienated a dozen of the best French players and managed to convince some of the French public that it was all within the boundaries of reason... strange that players who manage to excel in the best clubs and leagues in the world are not good enough for a desperatelly struggling French team.
Is there any genius in his madness? We have asked for three major tournaments and no there isn’t, it just seems he has skills in keeping friends in the French Football Association.
For this reason the French team is rather unpredictable, rarely in the good sense.
Squad of 23:
Probable Starting 11:
Goalkeeper Hugo Lloris, 23 years old, performs miracles for Lyon. An extremely talented young goalkeeper who is already performing as one of the best in the Champions League. Outside of having catlike reflexes and shot stopping power in line with the best goalkeepers in the world, he seems to not be shaken by occasional mistakes stemming from inexperience and he comes back smarter every game. He has over the last year taken the first French spot from Steve Mandanda and now has 9 appearances for the French team.
Right wingback Bacary Sagna, Arsenal, 27 years old, this nippy, pacey player zooms up and down the right flank with ease for 90 minutes. He is prone to lapses of concentration and bad positioning in defence, and his credentials for the national team should have been more frequently questioned. He has played 17 times for France.
Central Defender William Gallas, Arsenal, 32 years old, the rock on which a lot of hopes last for a solid French defense. There are a lot of chips and cracks in this rock, and a strong wind could blow it over, if he even makes it to South Africa as he is recovering from a recurring muscle injury. Gallas is one of the world’s best defenders when healthy and on a good day... off course he has a hard time coordinating the timing of the two for the last two years. Finally, if other players have been removed by Domenech for spreading discord in the team, Gallas is well known for being a dressing room temper. 78 Games and 4 goals for France.
He will be partnered by central defenders Sebastian Squillaci, 29 Sevilla, or Marcus Planus, 28, Bordeaux Squillachi has 18 sometimes mediocre performances for the French team and Planus has been great for Bordeaux but has no experience with the national team. Domenech has only 3 ½ central defenders in the team and needs 2. The other option is Eric Abidal, 30 years old of Barcelona, who is technically a left wingback but can also play in the center. The keys to this mistery are once again with him. The strange thing being that the best sollution seems to be the uncapped Planus.
Left Wingback Patrice Evra, 29 years old 27 games for France, of Manchester United is likely to start, but Gaël Clichy, 24 years old 3 games for France, of Arsenal is in many ways a better player. Abidal is normally a leftwingback but who knows where Domenech plans to play him.
Defensive Midfielder Jérémy Toulalan of Lyon, 26 years of age despite the grey hair and 31 goalless appearances for France. Described as hardworking and a fighter in midfielder, but in line with the French national stereotype neither adjective is really saying very much. He loves to get red cards in important games and punch the wall of the dressing room tunnel afterwards. At least he can tackle and pass.
Offensive freeroaming playmaker Franck Ribéry, 27, of Bayern Munich. Recently lost his temper at the height of an underage prostitution scandal – he payed her but didn’t know she was too young type-of-thing - in which he was implicated. Besides that he is making gradual progress to superstardom with his stunning Bayern Munich performances and has notched 42 appearances and 7 goals for France. His ability to shake off the scandal and focus on performance and temper will be key for France, as on a good day he is one of the best playmakers on the planet. He originally comes from Boulogne-sur-Mer in Northern France, and was involved in a colision with a truck with his family as a child which left him disfigured for life. Besides the prostitution, Ribery converted to Islam when he married his Algerian-origin wife. After the World Cup he might be tried.
Yoann Gourcuff, 23 years old, is as good of a player as he is studly. His inspired midfield play has led to Bordeaux’s fantastic results over the past two seasons. Unwanted by AC Milan, this player is on his way to international stardom and should really shine this World Cup. He can create and score and lacks little as a player except sufficient experience. 17 games and 1 goald for France.
Left Winger Florent Malouda, 29 years old, of Chelsea is a favourite of Raymond Domenech and was one of the best players in the English Premiership this season. He can sometimes dissapoint during big games and miss open goals, but he seems to continue improving after his difficult start in England. Can also play on the right wing.
Left Forward Thierry Henry, 32 years old, Barcelona, rose to phenomenal heights as a player with Arsenal and dropped off after his move to the Catalan capital, and a heavy London based divorce. He is still brilliant on occassion, even if it means his handball against Ireland was the reason qualified. In this case brilliant is defined as the rare ability to often be in the right place at the right time. This is the last stop for Mr.Thierry, to end his glorious career on a high. This World Cup will show wether he still has something left or is past his peak. 118 games and 51 goals from France, which makes him the last active national team member of the World Cup winning team in 1998.
Striker Nicola Anelka, 31 years old, Chelsea. Definitelly not enough fun is made of this enigmatic figure. He is well known for constantly changing teams (9 top teams rarely staying more than a season) and for forgetting to turn of his MP3 player when speaking with the media. He doesn’t like footballer, is rather dispationate in general, and almost never chokes in front of goal. He has great stats, is a favourite of Domenech, but his overall ability to change games is questionable. Generally he has dissapointed for france many times during his 64 appearances and 14 goals. He can score but does little work for the team.
The remaining benchies: (x french games, x french goals)
Steve Mandanda, 25, Marseille, second, possible first choice talented but waning after a brilliant start. His three younger brothers are goalkeepers, with his younger brother Parfait being DR Congo’s first choice goalkeeper. He has great reflexes but makes mistakes. (12,0)
Cedric Carraso, 28, Bordeaux, won the league with Bordeaux after a mediocre start to his promising career. Safer but less evidently talented than Mandanda. (0,0)
Anthony Réveillère, 30, Lyon, suprise inclusion after being a long time suprise exclusion for many years. A very balanced player with a lot of ability and power. For his size he is a surprising good technician. Can play as right or left wingback. (5,0)
Abou Diaby, 24, Arsenal, a versatile central midfielder who has power and dynamism going forwards and can chip in with defensive roles. Arsene Wenger has done wonders with evolving this player, and he is capable of scoring great goals and adding momentum to attack. Sometimes he is also very talented at having people forget he is on the field. (2,0)
Alou Diarra, 28, Bordeaux a solid defensive midfielder strong and great in the air and in one on one challenges. Could be a starter (24,0)
Mathieu Valbuena, 25, Marseille let’s hope his extremely suprising inclusion is more than Domemech showing off again. He is a very hardworking rightwinger who can be a danger with his speed and determiniation. He is highly dynamic but has never played for France and has some Champions League experience with Marseille as managers seem to be unable to decide if he should be a starter or not. (0,0)
Djibril Cissé, 28, Panathinaikos Athens, here is a strange one. Most famous for his extravant hair colours (now green for Panathinaikos) this player started off as a highly anticipated youth player before failing to break into the first team permanently at Liverpool. He tried several other clubs before moving to Greek giants Panathinaikos and really recovering his old form. If given a little bit of space to run he is brilliant, if he is forced to slow down and stand still he doesn’t perform. He is tall, but not a good header of the ball... although improving. Expect everything or nothing from Djibiril. (38,9)
André-Pierre Gignac, 24, for several seasons he has been knocking in large amounts of brilliant goals with Toulouse and avoided the attention of Domenech. Now he has a poor season and he gets called to the World Cup. If his form is poor, his strength and goal scoring ability is superb. Celebrates by sucking his thumb, something you are likely to see at least once this World Cup if he gets playing time.
Sidney Govou, 30, Lyon, the other player that went-a-prostituting in Paris with Franck R. He was superb in his day (as a player) on the right wing for Lyon scoring kilos of goals and creating havoc in the oppositions defense. He never left Lyon and never managed to continue as a constant starter. He is probably a favourite of Mad Raymond because of his ability to come of the bench and score constantly. (43,10)
Tactical Approach:
Domenech tries to be unpredictable but this often simply means playing. His starting line-up and selection process are inconsistent. He cuts the players that perform well and keeps the underperformers like Henry, Govou, Cissé, Mandanda, Malouda, Toulalan and Evra.
He likes to start with a conservative 4-4-2 with one or two defensive midfielders, but recently more often in a diamond. This can be 4-5-1 sometimes or anything else the horoscope tells his that morning.
I think FIFA must have banned live horoscope consultation for coaches on the sideline because he is weak with his substitutions and game management. He often makes players angry and then drops them when they complain (Example Benzema).
Expect chaos and drama with France no matter how far they get or don’t get.
Who is missing? Why?
This list is really long for France so its worth focusing only on the shocking absentees:
The team of French missing players could do better than the actual one.
Coach’s Strange Choice: Patrick Vieira, 33, Manchester City (107, 6). In his time the best defensive midfielder in the world, now slowed and slightly weaker but still probably better than Domenech’s choices in some ways. He would have been the other player besides Henry capable of winning two World Cup championships. He was often present in Raymad’s team but not included for the final squad only to find out through an announcement on French tv. Because Domenech burned the bridge, calling him up was not possible after Diarra’s injury.
Injury: Lassane Diarra, 25, Real Madrid (27,0). Was in the final 23 but lost his place due to abdominal pain during altitude training last week. His ever-presence and ability in midfield will be missed by France.
Coach’s Madness: Samir Nasri, 22, Arsenal (15,2). This mercurial and highly talented player’s exclusion is indeed a shocker. He plays excellently for Arsenal and can really give the added flair necessary to win a World Cup. Nasri should have been there.
Coach’s Choice: Karim Benzema, 22, Real Madrid (27,8). Once the coache’s pet, he once fait la gueule when subsituted and since has been removed. He had a mediocre season with Madrid but has been one of the better performers for France. Strange, surprising exclusion. Certainly many sponsors will be unhappy due to his star status.
A shame: Guillaume Hoarau, 26, Paris (0,0). Even though he hasn’t played for France, he should have. France lacks a tall, brave, technically capable goalscorer. He is certainly better, and in better form than some of his competiton.
Pure madness: Philippe Mexès, 28, Roma (13,0). Never really given a chance by Domenech, must have had an unfortunate horoscope because he is one of the best defenders in the world, largely responsible for the success of his team in one of the toughest leagues in the world, certainly a level above Squillaci or Planus. One of Domenech’s excentric exclusions.
Screaming madness: Sébastien Frey, 30, Fiorentina (2,0). Unexplainable. One of the best goalkeepers in the world, playing at a fantastic level in the Champions League and in Italy, Domenech gave him a chance, he did ok, then he never recalled him. Frey is a true shame, as he has all the qualities of a true World Cup champion, often performing heroically against major opponents.
Clinical Insanity: David Trezeguet, 32, Juventus (71,34). He fired France to the European Championship and was a member of the 1998 World Cup winning team. He is one of th best goalscorers of the last decade, a tall forward of phenomenal striking ability in key games. Domenech removed him from playing for the national team at the same time as he was included in the list of 125 greatest living footballers.
Sign of sociopathy: Claude Makele, 37, Paris (71,0). Other way around, excluding Vieira who is in better form and playing in a better league Domenech tried to call up Makele who is close to retirement, can barely run anymore and is thinking about greener pastures. The call-up was unexpected, and public (Domenech didn’t call him) and Claude refused publically.
There are many more.
Finally if you have read this far your reward (the prediction):
At gunpoint I would say France will get shocked by at least one of the group opponents with the most likely being Uruguay. There is a serious chance they won’t leave the group. BUT if they get good momemtum and team spirit churning this team has the talent, as usual to go far, even with so many talented absentees.
One prediction is certain, Domenech will remain insane, but he is being replaced by Laurent Blanc, a much better coach, much more of this world than astrology.
However the prediction stands France will at most make it to the round of 16, and are likely to not leave their group. Prove me wrong
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